The Side Effects of Knowledge on Human Mind

Ever wondered in life, ‘I shouldn’t have known this’? Well, if you haven’t,  you certainly will, at some point in your life.

As the title say, this article is about the side effects of gathering too much knowledge on an individual’s psychology and does not talk about the side effects arising from the misuse of knowledge (e. g. One can argue about invention of nuclear bombs).

I assume that we all agree on the very basic nature of knowledge that it is a driving force behind our actions and a tool we apply in different ways in our life to achieve our goals. To consider one aspect of knowledge on human behavior, let’s take a simple example:

Assume that you are attending a seminar on applications of physics in daily life phenomena, and a professor of physics and a student in commerce are sitting beside you. The speaker of the seminar is mistaken on certain critical aspects in the lecture. What do you reckon would be the response of the two guys sitting beside you on those mistakes made by the speaker? If I present the most common scenario, the professor would stand up and correct the speaker.

Now, add to it a common classroom scenario. Suppose, right before the seminar, you were having a discussion on similar topics with the professor and the commerce student. Now, would it be the commerce student or the professor who stands up and tells the speaker of the seminar about his mistakes. If I apply common experience here, it will still be the professor, not just because he was the first to catch the mistake; but also he had more confidence and more urge to correct that mistake.

Let’s take another example. Take the process of human growth starting from when we are children. A baby has very little gathered knowledge and has no business with the outside world. As we grow up, until around the age of 10, we are just gathering as much knowledge as fast as we can and accept everything around us to be the way the world has to be. As we grow, collect experiences and reach youth, we start learning from our and others’ experiences that there are many problems existing around us in the society. As we grow more and learn more, we reach a point where frustration starts creeping in, because we know things could be better around us, in our family, in our society.  This frustration, this sense of urgency continues until we reach a point of achievement (that we have solved or contributed towards solving some problem around us) or saturation (we agonize so much on our society’s conditions that finally we adjust, giving up trying to change it).  Now compare it to the mindset of a person who is born in the hills far from the hassles of a society, with knowledge just enough to survive.

Let’s take another example. It is related to psychology of slaves during the period of slavery in America in 17^th and 18^th centuries. There are numerous citations about how continuous slavery had changed the mindset of people who were born in slave families. Two such articles are The Mask of Obedience and The Psychological Effects of Slavery and Colonization on the Negro. The basic idea is that the slaves went into a phase of self-loathing and depression that they were good for nothing other than being slaves until there was a propagation of ideas of freedom by pioneers like Frederick Douglass and William Lloyd Garrison. The article The Mask of Obedience also talks about the misery and depression among slaves. They had an idea of freedom and they did nothing to rise against their masters. What’s worse is that just the idea of freedom kept them in agony and still they didn’t gather the courage to fight for their freedom until they were led by abolitionists.  From the same article, I quote “Oppression driveth the wise man mad.”  meaning  “A person of intellect would go mad by such an oppression.”

What do all the above examples have in common?

The sense of Urgency

What the above examples have in common is a need for change, an urgency to make things right. It is as simple as that – unless you have an idea that something better exists, you are happy (or live with) what you have. Once you know, you can get something better, you start craving, agonizing yourself to achieve/ acquire that something.  If you are unable to achieve it, you keep yourself in a state of craving, a state of misery until you finally give up.

Knowledge is the driving force behind your senses towards a better life. In other word, knowledge shows you that something better exists; and if your are unable to harness your knowledge towards achieving it, you stay in a state of agony.

Essentially, the more knowledge you gather, the more comes the realization of what is wrong in the world and what needs to be corrected.  For many people, an excessive amount of knowledge becomes difficult to handle. People often forget that when we know something can be improved, we have two choices

1.    Let’s do something about it.

2.    Let it be the way it is and move on.

But, the important thing to note is that “Keep agonizing yourself and keep craving about it without taking any action” is not one of the choices.  However, people often choose it, and that is when knowledge becomes difficult to handle i.e. In the absence of action or the ability to let go.

Obsession for the first

"Jo Jeeta wohi Sikandar" is a phrase often used to justify the need for the best option and the quest of standing first in a competition.

Bollywood movie 3 idiots has captured this quest very well. The obsession of being first and the importance of running faster than others was demonstrated by Viru Sahsrabuddhe (aka Virus) using the example of "koyal" and "kowa" on the very first day.

Also, on the first day's lecture, he asks a question, "Who was the first person to set foot on the moon?" Most of the students knew the answer.

Then he made this question a little tough reframing as, "Who was the second person doing the same?" Not even a single student knew the answer.

That is the grace of first person that dims the followers.

The rankers in a competition other than the topper always  face the feeling of regret over could-have-been first. The margin between winner and the others becomes the curse figure for the latter.

Was the second person to Neil Armstrong less talented than him or is the runner up in any contest inferior to the winner?

I don’t think so. Each person has his own story with different circumstances. There can never be ideal level playing ground to compare any two persons. Then what is the problem?

The society we live in remembers someone only on the basis of what one has achieved, and not how much potential one possess.

Do they really have true power of making judgments, when they don't really have the experience of that journey?

I can share my own experience when the same people criticizing me over the two opposite decisions. When I was planning to go abroad for a job (P.S.- I was the first in my home to do so :P), I heard few people around me disparaging me over the decision by giving the arguments like,

"You are a girl, that would be a struggle for you to stay alone in a foreign land"

"You don't belong there, you should try a more convenient job"

"You might get spoiled in the US culture (smoking, drinking etc.)".

Fortunately, I decided to go. When I returned back after a few months, the same people were making judgments -

"how come you are back?, see I told you, you couldn't survive there"

"You shouldn't be back here when you were earning so well" etc.

If I have never been first in any competition, does that mean all my achievements should be belittled? If I am taking my work load chill, it doesn't mean I am fraud or if I am taking it too seriously, it also doesn't mean that I am less competent.

What right do people have to do so & pass unfair comments?

They are not God who can pass such judgments.

They didn’t run; I ran the race of my life with my mind and heart.

The least they can do is Congratulate & acknowledge my worth..

But, it does not matter what people say..

They cannot steal my achievement away..

In my next post jealousy I am going to put the other side of learning from all.

Instead of putting obstacles to others progress, we should better ourselves and should atleast avoid saying disparaging words if we cannot encourage them.

I don’t want to be the 1st woman to do this or that, but I want my targets to be wonderful enough for me.

I want to explore the power of "not yet" instead of focusing on right here, right now, and ahead of everyone.

We think- Log Kya Kahenge? Fact is- Log kahenge

Marital rape: trivialization vs criminalization - Part II

Continuing the previous post Marital Rape: Trivialization vs criminalization - Part I

Why should it be banned?

Marital rape is considered as the violation of Fundamental Right guaranteed under Article 14 of the Indian constitution which guarantees the equal protection of laws to all persons. By depriving married women of an effective penal remedy against forced sexual intercourse, it violates their right to privacy and bodily integrity, aspects of the right to life and personal liberty under Article 21, by differentiating them from unmarried women.

Marital privacy – which justifies laws such as the marital rape exception – is a fundamental denial of society’s commitment to treating all persons with equal concern and respect.

After making high pitch for the government flagship Beti Bachao beti padao, we want our 'Beti' to not have a right on her own body.

If marital rape has been committed, wife is a rape survivor and she has same rights like any other rape survivor.

Don’t women have a right to live  a dignified life even after marriage? I think, this is not true in the current setup. If it was that, then government would have continued the schemes like Sukanya Samraddhi even after marriage. Parents too would have shared the responsibility of a girl child even after marriage like they do for boys. Does marriage provides the license to rape? Hopefully, No. Sexual violence within circle of trust is more painful and the absence of a law to safeguard the same is a human right violation and unjust towards women.

What are the flaws with the legal system?

Our legal system doesn’t provide any concrete protection to the victims of marital rape. Under Hindu marriage act, 1955 one of the "conjugal duties" of the wife is to provide sexual satisfaction to her husband, a very archaic thought congruent to the thoughts of a patriarchal society. Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code(IPC) considers forced sex in marriages as a crime only when the wife is below 15 or the couple is legally separated. Thus, marital rape is not a criminal offense under the IPC. Marital rape victims have to take recourse to the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005(PWDVA).The PWDVA, which came into force in 2006, outlaws marital rape. However, it offers only a civil remedy for the offence.

It is not the case that these irrational acts have not been up for revision. Law Commission's report(2000) and Justice Verma panel's(2013) recommended to do away with the exemption granted to marital rape in the laws. Unfortunately, these were not accepted by the government and the marital rape continues to be unrecognized by law. Parliamentary committee opposed the Verma commission proposal saying that entire family system will be brought under great stress if the Marital Rape is brought under the law.

But it is prone to misuse?

Proponents of marital rape exemption argue that if legalized, this law is prone to misuse as is the case with The Dowry act. I do agree with the same because it is really difficult to prove the charges of marital rape. It is worse when we rely on the methods like two finger test for proving charges of rape in general.

Here, I would say that every law is prone to misuse, let it be a dowry act or an anti defection law, yet we have to accept that the misuse is at the part of investigation.

Moreover, don’t we have acts like Prevention of Atrocities Act(SC & ST), 1989 and similar laws against discrimination? Aren't they prone to misuse? Because here also you have to rely on the statement of the victim prima facia. It can also be used to harass someone. Just because of this lame skepticism, we should not try to evade from our responsibility.

Why isn't law ahead of prejudices?

In a recent case of marital rape, a 27 years old woman herself went up and approached court for marital rape. The court made a superficial assessment and concluded by saying that we wont serve any individual case and asked the victim to come up with a PIL, thus denying to serve the plea. Isn't this absurd that a person cannot stand for himself/herself? I used to think that this is the most conventional thing that a person can seek justice for himself/herself. Similarly, political parties have divisive opinions. Few of them want consensus building in society as a pre-requisite to come with a law. As if society was ready for the revolutionary acts like Untouchability Act, Transgender Act, Child labor Act or affirmative action for vulnerable sections.

What is the international scenario?

Many countries have made it a crime for a husband to force his wife to have sex in recent years. Malaysia changed its laws to that effect in 2007; Turkey in 2005; and Bolivia in 2013. The United States began criminalizing marital rape in 1970s and most European countries in the 1990s. The United Nations has also recommended India to criminalize marital rape. Though we try to emulate US in many areas to prove ourselves as progressive, doesn’t this law provide the opportunity for the same?

Implementation Challenges in criminalizing marital rape

The major challenge is to prove the crime, what shall be the evidence? How will the investigation proceed? Charges of marital rape can be put up just to take revenge and settle scores. There is an enormous amount of social stigma attached to the marital rape. However, the picture is not that bleak as it seems. It is not the going to be the case that just after criminalizing, there will be plethora of cases. As we can see there is nearly 10% conviction rate in normal rapes and dowry cases. Marital rape is a very grey area, so its fate stands tough time. In present times, it may be very difficult to enforce too. But shouldn't the laws and their implementation envision a equitable future and a utopian society.

Is reconciliation not the only solution?

I agree and advocate for couple counselling in cases of differences and argumentative fights. But it cannot be the last resort. There has to be some mechanism on top of it for very abusive relationships.

Isn't the act of considering women as the victim all the time feminist and skewed?

True, it is. Cases of sexual assault against the transgender community are not currently prosecuted as rape under Section 375, which only recognizes women as victims. Here I would like to refer Justice Verma Committee recommendation to amend the section to make it gender neutral with respect to the victim. Because it can be anyone, a man, a woman or a transgender.

What if a man has no sex for a year, can he force his wife? Isn't it about the fairness to men also? What remedy does he has?

For this question, I would say this is a valid ground to have a divorce, so go for it, but why to impose your will on someone else. Respect comes before love and much before sex. If someone is not able to earn that respect, then one should have no right to love other person.

What is it that I am up against?

I am not the extreme leftist person who wants a revolutionary change in laws and want to prosecute half of the country in one go. What I am against of, are the blatant statements made by our lawmakers and even institutions of high respect.

Though the enforcement may be a challenge, but the arguments like, the society not being ready to accept, or crying foul of our backwardness doesn’t hold any water. Atleast they should not set the wrong precedent of trivializing the marital rape. It has actually legalized marital rape(make it permissible and even encourage by vindicating marital rape) in negative sense rather than in positive sense (to prevent it). It is well accepted truth, that many rapes are going on in bedroom then why we are still in denial mode considering marital rape as an exception?

Marital rape clearly reveals our gross double standard on sexual violence.

Way forward

I understand, this issue is sensitive. It took around 30 years for US to come to the present law which got started only with heinous nature of marital rapes. Can't we try to implement it in such a phased manner? Atleast in the cases where it is clearly visible, where a woman has undergone tremendous injury, it should be made punishable as a criminal offence.

Before 2012, it was an odd act to even talk about rape, but it was the solidarity of the nation that came along with Nirbhaya, and today majority of people can condemn the act by taking its name literally. I hope marital rape will also get the same recognition.

We need a social reform because legal reform not sufficient, dowry is still embedded in our society after 10 years of its existence. It is the progressive social consciousness which is need of the hour.

Sexual consent is the right of every woman, married or unmarried, as much as of men, and nonconsensual sex should be treated exactly the same, irrespective of the relationship of the perpetrator to the victim.

It is the inner khap panchayat in us all.

[Meanwhile do watch movie Aakashvani to get a practical picture of marital rape in our society.]

Marital rape: trivialization vs criminalization - Part I

In the aftermath of Nirbhaya BBC documentary, the country came out united. Who would agree with Mukesh Singh's justification to rape? I guess, only miniscule proportion.  Now consider another case, Suppose a person did the same with his wife. I guess these will be the most probable reactions- 1. Aadmi hi vaaiyad tha (the man was beast),  this was an unacceptable act, so she should have gone for legal remedies, and if left to us, we would have lynched him 2. It is not possible marriage is a sacred institution, the wife should have been lying, moreover it is their personal matter and wife has already given consent to have sex at the time of marriage  (any third moderate reaction is welcome).

Though marital rape has been an issue of political and social debate for a long time without any conclusion yet. Lets try to demystify it.

What is marriage?

It is a social and legal institution  in which two people mutual consent to work out things together in the train of life.

What is marital rape?

Marital rape (also known as spousal rape) is non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim's spouse. It is a form of partner rape, of domestic violence and of sexual abuse.

What does the data say?

Out of the total number of rapes reported to NFHS(though it is an informal survey whose premise was to provide anonymity), 97.7% rapes were committed by the people known to the victim, out of which marital rapes accounts for 2/3rd. UN study has established the fact that 75% men want their wives to agree to sex. There have been many heartrending stories of women raped every night, even during pregnancy and child birth. It is a physical as well as mental trauma because the perpetrator is known to the person, often very close. It is a bitter reality even in developed nations.

Why all the fuss now?

Recently during parliamentary proceedings, a minister reacted on a question regarding the status of marital rape in India, “It is considered that the concept of marital rape, as understood internationally, cannot be suitably applied in the Indian context due to various factors e.g. level of education/illiteracy, poverty, myriad social customs and values, religious beliefs, mindset of the society to treat the marriage as a sacrament, etc”. Other proponents of the marital rape exception, also, argue that it is essential to preserve the integrity of marriage, which is a crucial social institution, so marital rape cannot be brought within the purview of rape law.

What are the possible reasons?

Though we can easily attribute the prevalence of patriarchal mindset as the main reason, yet there are many deep rooted causes.

According to NFHS survey around 74% marriages in India occur without due consent of the bride and the groom. How can we expect two strangers to be very comfortable with each other at the very first night? And the same thing becomes routine due to lack of any firm resistance. We, as a society are stuck in the bus vs bedroom debate and usually make a remarkable difference between the two. If a woman is getting raped in a bus it is rape, but in bedroom it is a ritual. This trivialization of marital rape is one of the major reasons for the perpetuation of the same.

Moreover, there is huge divide across the society. Though, the main victims are women, yet in most cases it is the elder women who give formal acceptance to marital rape by putting it in the category of necessary adjustment or "compromise" in a marriage. And it goes on and on across generations, and we consume this culture of adjustment. Forced sex has become a “wifely duty.”

Another important reason is economic dependence of women on their husbands and in-laws. Rape every night and domestic violence becomes a small price to pay, when basic survival is at stake.


To be continued...

India: Perfect Imperfections

Are you an Indian? A disappointed Indian. Are you the one who pick up

the Indian newspaper or watch an Indian news channel in the morning to destroy own happiness and descend the ladder into depression?

Probably you are one of them(I am the one)?

What is the first image most of us have in our mind, when we talk about India? It is  poverty, destitution, over population, corruption, starvation, crime rates and terrorism. 

 

Indianness has become the passion only at occasional times, either when Indian cricket team is playing in the stadium or when some neighbor knocks our country's borders. On 15th August or 26th Jaunary, it again gets highlighted in the form of selfies(with flag) or facebook statuses.

In the normal times, we are looking to move away from this nation. The number of H1B visa applications (2.5 lakh this year) is the testimony to the fact that people want to leave this place. Probably because this is the place where opportunities are in numbers one could hardly rely on for the safe future. Probably, because this is the land of problems.

Today, the people of India are so blinded by the problems in their nation that they have forgotten the great wealth that lies within. And maybe, just maybe, it is the fault of the Indian media and our prejudices formed because of it.

Why do most of us have so much hatred against the police men irrespective of the fact that we have faced their atrocities or not?

We cry foul against system so much about the system, that we even forget to thank NDRF(National Disaster Task force) for its efforts in the extreme conditions.

It will be a herculean task to enumerate all the achievements of India[neither I am a politician who will like to do the same]. But one hardly pays attention to those achievements today.

At the maximum sympathetic attitude, we attribute India having too much potential in manpower, wealth(may be black money), natural resources, but unable to tap it. Here again we blame the 'system'. True, the people are not corrupt, but the system is. But isn't the case everywhere else? India’s political structure is no more corrupt than any other nation. It is just that the Indian people needs to change its parameters to judge the situation of the country. The institutional failures or the systemic failures can only be corrected by the people facing it.

Lets be more grateful and  responsible citizens and consider this nation as a family where it is not feasible to put the precondition of  keeping all the pieces right. It is not wrong to put problems in perspective, but it is definitely wrong not to revel in what we excel. Self confidence not the false pride is the need of hour.

Should a woman change her maiden surname after marriage?

In 3 idiots movie, the heroine shows concern over adopting the surname of Ranchoddas Shamaldas "Chanchad" after marrying the hero. In the climax the name of hero turns out to be something else, Phunsukh Wangdu. This time as well the reaction of heroine was same.

Once I saw one of my didi who kept her last wedding card laminated, probably because that was the last formal document carrying her original name. It seems like a RIP given to your surname. :(

What is so special in the maiden surname and why a woman needs to leave it after marriage?

Most of the time, this issue never gets attention because it is rare (atleast in India) where our community is slightly conservative and the so-called obedient children married within the same community. Thus, no surname change. So children need to rarely bother, whose surname they carry.

But here we are going to discuss the case where a woman has to undergo a surname change, probably because it is the sign of possession by the man over woman. Sometimes this issue becomes serious enough to lead to divorce. If a woman wants to hold on to her name because that is her identity – and in a way it will always be, she is termed as a feminist. It crosses the light, when some people even try to change the first name of woman as well with the argument of  making the lady auspicious and lucky for the home.

This identity crisis may not bother everyone, but to whom it does it, might not always be justified by the ego of the lady. There are real problems faced by these women. Applying for a job, they need to produce their marriage certificate along with any ID proof, as if marriage certificate is her identity. She need to renew her passport. And obviously as expected the patriarchal society, a man has comfort in this domain. Any married couple with different surnames are seen as two people having affair without society's sanction.

This fact bothers me more when it is love marriage, where the boy was supposed to love the girl with her maiden name, yet has to change his preference after marriage. And a girl has to leave it up as a sign of love and devotion. As if being a human being doesn’t give her right to  keep her identity.

Some people give argument, that what is in the name? If that is the case, Can I call a day as night and a night as day? Obviously, no. The term is associated with the phenomena. So is the name of a girl. She is carrying this term from her childhood, retaining it on all of her documents, why should she leave it after an event, marriage? Won't it be a kind of plastic surgery given to her seizing her identity?

As the woman are becoming career oriented, they need to carry their identity along with. Suppose a girl A become girl B, first she needs to reformulate her documents carrying hassles of affidavits proving that her both names belongs to her. Second, her acquaintances cannot search her on records, facebook except seeing her in personal.

I have one question over the significance of surname. If the name signifies belongingness to one's family, does it mean the girl no longer belong to her original family? Most of the conservatives are going to justify it with the argument that, once a girl get married, she should never spend more than one night at her home. She should never return to her home, it’s better to die with her in-laws rather than to come back.

We just need to ponder over the question, if a woman takes her husband’s name in marriage, is it a sign of commitment or of inequality?

Recent controversy over "Thaali"- mangalsutra is another example of how the imposition of any identity which is limited to women only and sign of inequality. Karwa Chauth - why a women need to do it? Doesn’t the husband want her back? Though, there is a huge list, I will restrict myself here only.

Personally, I think it is a decision best left to the couple, it reflects the strength and trust in the relationship. It’s a human nature, if you impose something on them they are going to revolt, so leave them along and let them decide.

Thus we can conclude, changing maiden surname is one of the stereotype and expectations from a woman. A woman should have enough freedom to decide what she wants for herself. After all, marriage is about growing one's family not leaving them.

Loneliness

I had the song-"Lonely, Im so lonely, Im Mr. lonely, I have nobody, to call my own" (by Akon) as ringtone for 3 years. At that time, I liked the way the child scream in this song. Few months back, realized the core feeling of loneliness, probably it was like-

Loneliness nibbles at night

The whole inside

Days too just pass by

Its hard to stay alright

Pain cannot be hide

Whom to care

Nobody to share

Remembering the past lies

With the tired eyes

Tears keep reeling

With an eternal feeling

I curse and curse and curse

Expecting much worse

To feel the same pain

Again and again

Sacrifices I made

Without being paid

Decisions were so wrong

Now regret is the only song

Emptiness prevails

And loneliness trails

And now it defines me

Crying over what I used to be

Smile has faded

With mind degraded

trusting nobody

Pushing me to be lonely

This path so empty

“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” 

― Honoré de Balzac

The value of "Value"

Let me ask a very well known question. What is the reason behind predominance of any vice ranging from corruption, theft, war, violence, erosion of faith? A general discussion will lead us to the common root cause- "degradation of values". Let me dwell into the definition of value and its associated phenomena.

Theoretical aspect

[One may ignore this section, just given to provide insights into the differences between practical scenario and theory.]

Dictionary/Wikipedia  defines value as a broad preference concerning appropriate courses of action or outcomes which reflect a persons' sense of right and wrong or what "ought" to be. Values vary in contexts ranging from ethical, ideological, social and moral. In psychological context, it is the enduring belief about the way things should be done or about the ends we desire.  In ethical context, value denotes something's degree of importance, with the aim of determining what action of life is the best to do. Value may be absolute or relative, objective or subjective, personal or universal.

Practical aspect

Value can be defined as worth in usefulness or importance to the possessor; it is the utility or merit of something. Value of something varies from person to person, i.e., perception basis. For example, clay is of no use for a miner, and coal is of no use for a potter.

How do we associate value with a certain entity?

Utility is the most basic measurement unit. It varies with time and context, yet present and personal utility is preferred. Past symbolism(lal batti of an IAS officer), traditions . Instrument to live(money is its classic example)- a survival entity is preferred over personal moral values (e.g.,corruption for making livelihood). In the past, the measurement unit was the contribution, a person or an entity makes towards society,(i.e.,welfare approach),  e.g. a vaidya was respected for being a life savior. Yet the criteria are getting diluted over time, and materialistic factors are taking the place of contribution in other terms. Eg. Scavengers and Dalits got pushed to the city outskirts and faced discrimination just because, the "dirt" word was associated with them irrespective of their role(in cleaning the surroundings of all).

Power (physical, financial, social and political) has been associated with symbolism, and materialistic things have been sanctioned because of the value attributed to it.

The debate of “value this not that”

The differentiation of value attributed to different things is the reason behind almost every possible vice. Inequality, poverty, difference and gap between haves and have nots can be attributed to the value attached with money. Riots, wars, terrorism can be attributed to the value attached to one's own ideology, ethnicity, religion, caste etc. Internal conflicts in mind like jealousy, comparison, unprecedented competition, ill will towards others is the result of importance given to what others have and you don't. Differences are bound to happen among the entities as explained by the theory of identity, yet associating values with some of them causes imbalances, skewed priorities, leading to conflicts and race conditions.

Valuing a particular occupation (doctor, engineer, IAS officer) over others (arts, social sciences, police, army) results in the phenomenon of problem with plenty- dilemma of plenty in jobs yet deficiency in number of skilled workers (i.e., disguised unemployment).

Another example of skewed values is valuing economic benefits over ecological benefits. Indiscriminate exploitation of nature for keeping the economic engine running is causing long term unsustainability.

Skewed priorities are resulting in alienation within the family, nuclear families, mental problems- depressions, building up of suicidal tendencies, social evils like old age problems, gender discrimination, dowry violence etc.

Value of money over morals, ideals and principles is the most widely accepted and understood root of societal degradation making a blot on humanity.

Contemporary perspective- the plight of humanity

Today, respect and reverence is only for who possess wealth. Human values have become meaningless, for human beings have become the means for the rich to earn money. Dignity is attached to a post or a rank.

The rich, having purchased the human mind with their money, are busy playing a game of chess with the other members of the society. Those who are at the helm of society, constantly suspicious of others, forever count their losses and profits. To gratify themselves, they are ready to chew the human bone, and suck the human blood. The two sides of the social coin are visible in unfulfillment of basic needs (food, clothing, dwelling place) on one hand and justification to the luxurious needs on the other hand.  

These contrasts ridicule the present human society.

Associating value with materialistic entities over spiritual entities is the most acceptable norm. Howsoever, each type of philosophy tried to deny this fact, it has become the bitter reality of life.

“Degradation of values” or “degradation by values”

Sometimes, it seems that degradation of values is because of "the differentiation of value granted to an entity". One can argue, “Won't it be desirable to have an absolute equality of value?” and to associate value with the existence of the entity itself while not imposing one’s own perspective towards certain values on others. But won't that be a chaotic life as well, without any direction (for the sense that nothing has any value associated with it)? It would result in aimless and demotivated life with no desire to achieve any good (of higher value). It will contradict the most valuable entity as well,i.e., time, and will interrupt the process of nature as well. So, one thing is clear, differentiation of value in itself is not a vice. Then what is the problem?

True value and apparent value

What I have seen as problematic is the perception and imposition. First, perception, i.e., how we perceive an object? Let me explain this by a recent development of recycling of waste and litter. Till a few decades back, residual waste, litter etc. were never viewed as a resource and considered as useless, valueless things. But when human tried to change their perception by seeing it as a resource, they were able to find its value- W2E generation plants, biomass, recycling of plastics etc are few of such examples. Thus, one way to avoid associating falsified value with an object is to keep the perception flexible and liable to change by keeping the gates open for new knowledge. As the value of a diamond is nothing in a desert in comparison to a drop of water, one needs to accommodate the flexibility while imparting value to a substance.

Second is imposition, what we see in society today is imposing of one's view on others. If I consider it as valuable, then you should also see it as valuable (generally parent's view, society's view). If parents consider it important to get married at 25/29 (for girls and boys respectively), it is not necessarily the view of their children, same is the case with occupation, earning money, pursuing only what is popular or trendy. This is just an apparent value (to someone) and not the actual value. The definition of classy should be personal and sufficient space is needed for the same. Though, I am not against the value of money as "instrument of living", but I sincerely want something else to come along with it (personal preferences).

Thus, imparting value to objects in itself is not an vice, but imposing this value on others using power or influence is. Value of an object or an entity needs to be interpreted correctly (this correct interpretation is quite subjective, but it should not be biased with personal  prejudices).

Good girl - A rare species

In the childhood, the "goodness list"  and rules for being good for boys and girls were common, i.e., don't lie, don't steal, be obedient to your elders etc. As we grow older, this list gets more and more different for girls and boys(I am putting aside other differences- religion, caste and class), particularly getting lengthier for girls. A good girl's attributes as set by the society have made a good girl as the "rarest of the rare breed".

Being a girl, she already has to play multiple roles in two different families, yet conditions imposed on them to qualify as a "good" girl makes it impossible to be one. I will define these conditions and attributes later in the letter followed.

The obsession for a good girl can be seen in the search for a "adarshvadi and sanskaari” bahu. Not only to qualify for a family, but also she has to be a good girl for her survival as well(else she might be raped and killed for not abiding by the rules). And a near impossibility of being a "good girl" is forcing people to go for a shortcut, i.e., female foeticide, directly cutting the root cause("Na rahega baans, na bajegi baansuri").

I will dwell deeper into this topic via a small letter, I am going to write to my future generation(here I am assuming it to be my granddaughter). I assume myself as a good girl(as the society sees) and advising her to be good girl(as I see it).

Dear granddaughter,

Your mother has probably taught you how to be a good girl. You might have been given the sphere you are not supposed to cross. Your games(barbie, ghar-ghar), your hobbies(dancing), your fantasy(to get married) has already been defined for you, and probably you have already been conditioned for them. I know you don't like all these, you asked me for the latest version of Tekken. You asked me to experiment with the screwdriver instead of sewing machine(play models). I pray you could continue making these wishes, while doing what you love instead of falling into the illusion of mumma's good girl. Here and today, I am warning you to not fall in that trap because that "good girl" image is unattainable.

I know now you are confused, how come my grandmother is asking me to go against the society, this is against the "manners" of society. Let me give you a clarification with an example of my life. In my childhood(like yours), I made my desires subservient to my duties and expectations of the society, for instance, I was supposed to talk and laugh with softly(to suppress the loudness), taking dance lessons despite I wanted sports lessons, I was supposed to clean the house when my brother was playing cricket, I was supposed to wear the uncomfortable frocks with the irritating kaajal in my eyes. In my teenage, I needed to learn cooking(with varietal food as A+ marks) and sewing. I was supposed to choose arts as the study field despite my interest being in science. I fulfilled all these expectations, and I thought everyone was happy, and my happiness laid in the same. I thought that I had become the "good girl".

When I needed to enter in college, I thought meritorious performance would let me spread my wings ( and I could also study away from home in a famous institute), but that too was just a dream. I was supposed to be close to the family so as to be secure and save extra expenditure on my education. And then a guy started stalking me on my college route for a long time. I didn’t have the courage to tell my family, and the day I complained against him, it was my studies which were to be banned. Somehow, I managed to ask my family to continue my studies on the condition that I needed to cover my whole body even in the scorching sun.

Then came the "rush for marriage and get career settled period". Obviously I was 23 now.

So, I was expected to look pretty(pretty meant slim and fair), to wear good clothes at the functions, so that someone would like me. I needed to focus properly on my assets (beauty) because that was the only achievement I had. And then a stranger came to see me with his family to seek my hand in marriage; I agreed without talking to him or worrying about my education that remained incomplete. The elders in the family were pleased, they called me a “good daughter” and I thought I was happy.

Then I entered in my new home. I requested to my in-laws for continuing my studies to shape my career. But no, strict no- how could I be safe at workplace. Somehow fortunately, I managed to get a teaching job(despite I didn’t like it as well). Probably everyone was happy with that(easy job with 2-3 hours of workload not a big barrier for my family responsibilities, local posting with in-laws, daylight job with decent earnings). But then started the adjustments of married life, my husband got transferred. Obviously I needed to move with him because I was supposed to give him space and freedom. So, I took a break from my current career and continued it at a new place with new struggle. And, then I was blessed with your father(one more responsibility), and I needed to end up my career to serve him well. I lost my friends meanwhile, meeting first family already became an occasional event. I was taken for granted by my parents, my in-laws, my other half and my own children. And when I lost myself in devotion towards my family, I was called as a "good daughter-in-law".

Today, at the age of 65, when I try to look back into my past, I could only see the unfulfilled desires (when I see a lady sportsperson winning gold medal- I wish if I could be one of them), scattered dreams and still unsatisfied society. I became the obedient puppet for whole of my life and danced on the tune of my near and dear ones as well as far ones. I did all that for the acceptability later to realize that it can become unacceptable just by writing this letter in public.

So my dear, set yourself free from these obligations which are endless and go for wherever your heart takes you.

Spread your wings as much as you want and achieve whatever you aspire.

Your granny

For those who can’t read it completely. I would summarize the do's and don'ts for a good girl set by society:

1. Dress decently
2. Speak and laugh softly
3. Don't deviate from traditions and conditioned behavior
4. Behave properly(such a vague term), includes sitting cross legged, don’t speak unless asked to
5. Drinking, flirting, dating, smoking are the prerogatives of men only, never ever dream of them
6. Be a show piece even if you don’t want- because beauty is the only asset of yours
7. You are a slave who hears everyone, do for everyone but ask for nothing
8. Be spendthrift, you are the goddess(lakshmi) of the home, you are the manager of resources without any ownership
9. Falling in love- are you kidding( we are there to teach you the lesson, respect of family is more precious than your life- Khap Panchayats)
10. Essential ideals for a human being(wake up early, sleep on time) applies to you only
11. Do not spend time on chatting, (technology is not for you). Phones are strictly no for you
12. As per young generation- one man woman(you can either be a good girlfriend or a good wife, as if these are two exclusive roles played by the same person)
13. She can't complain for tortures (marital rape is one of them), basically no human right as such
14. Other objectives like polite, shy, obedient, empathetic, helpful( add as per your convenience and as much as possible)

This exhaustive list can be written in mathematical equation as:
Good girl = Obedient daughter + devoted wife + traditional (susanskaarit) daughter-in-law + responsible and sacrificing mother + understanding sister + adjusting girlfriend + domestic work horse + disciplined as armymen + biologically fit

Doesn't a good girl sounds like a "barbie"- who doesn't exist in real world. Please stop judging a girl. Let her be a girl only..